Getting There

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." -TS Eliot, poet, critic, and playwright, born in St Louis, Missouri. He studied at Harvard and Paris. In 1948 he was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature.

When I started this journal site, I was more depressed than I thought. I called it "On My Way" simply because I knew I had get out of the "place" I was at but I didn't really know where I had to go. It took many days, weeks and months to figure things out, I'm still not perfect, but guess what: I did get there.

So I guess this is a good place to make another ending, or as TS Eliot reminds us, another beginning. Over the course of a mere seven months, I've come a long way. I really am happier. I'm enjoying my life. I've let go of the people, places and things that no longer contributed to what my world is all about and I've moved on and took in other people, places and things that leave me feeling good. I thank my friend Edie for some wonderful words of wisdom over drinks a few nights ago. She said something to the extent of making sure that the majority of the "things" in your live leave you feeling better, not worse. I liked that, I really, really did.

So goodbye to another blog. Another chapter ends and yet one more begins. I will continue on in my writings at www.miriovsky.blogspot.com. There, the pages will continue to be filled with the things I love the most...

succeeding

"I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan

I'm slowly but surely coming out of my shell. It is hard for me to admit that medication may be helping me. When I started, I half hoped it didn't work and, but I now must admit it is. I'm glad, but it also is proof of yet another flaw.

I took this picture this morning. I was happy. I didn't feel homesick or scared or confused. I haven't cried for weeks. I'm smiling a real smile. Life is pretty good.

My success over the past few months is exciting. Not only am I becoming happier with myself, I'm actually happy at work. I've been given a new job responsibility acting in a lead administrative role to our Events Committee. This Committee is responsible for living out the company values of "giving back to our communities" and "having fun." I will get to be involved in fund-raising for many different projects. We are embarking on March of Dimes and American Cancer Society Relay for Life now. We also support the Crisis Center, Klein Animal Shelter, H.O.P.E., and United Way, just to name a few. Along with these new responsibilities, I got a raise on top of my annual raise. I've been recognized at (unofficially by the HR Department) as the ideal community representative because I'm "confident, friendly and compassionate." Nice, huh?

I'm glad I didn't give up when I was down.

needs

"In vital matters... decision[s] should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves. In the important decisions of personal life, we should be governed, I think, by the deep inner needs of our nature." - Sigmund Freud

In closing out 2005, I am drawn back to the profound words of the great Freud. I'm anxiously looking forward to the upcoming year. For all of the obvious reasons; continuing to grow and build on my already wonderful relationship with my husband; watching my children grow, learning, aspiring, dreaming, etc... In my last session with Dr. French, we discussed how essential it is for a person's needs to be met. And we all have different needs. Our challenge is learning what those are and how to get them met in a healthy way. For those of you who are married and/or have children, I recommend this book and this book to help you in discovering how to show those you care about you love them in a way that's meaningful to them. But also, don't forget about yourself, because being a happy person is not only the best thing you can do for yourself, but it is also the best thing you can give to others.

So that's my New Year's Resolution - to meet my needs in 2006. It will be a struggle; not because I'm a stranger to being selfish, but because I'm prone to feeling guilty about it.

joy

"Joy is but the sign that creative emotion is fulfilling its purpose." - Charles Du Bos, Writer and scholar, born in France. The son of an English mother, he studied at Oxford, Berlin, and Florence, and became a literary agent. A convert to Catholicism in 1927, he founded the review Vigile in 1930 with François Mauriac, about whom he wrote a sympathetic book. His correspondence with André Gide was published as Le Dialogue avec André Gide

Last night, as Mike was giving Macy her bath, I turned off the TV and sat on the floor in the living room with Nicky and played. I can't really describe how much joy I felt. It was a feeling I haven't felt in such a long time. I have found that he is very peaceful to be around when he's happy and playing.

This wonderful feeling carried over into today. As I picked him out of his crib this morning, he reached for a little toy car that's sitting on his dresser. We sat right down and started playing. Again, I felt joy and calm. I'm not sure if it's the medication or what, but I'm feeling a sense of contentment that I haven't felt in a very long time, maybe not even since very early childhood.
Even at work, I'm feeling happier and more content and this week seemed to just fly by.

I decided Tuesday that, darn it, we were going to put up a Christmas tree this year! We had been thinking it may be more trouble than it's worth to put up a Christmas tree with Nicky crawling all over and Macy in her independant stage. But I began feeling to feel like Scrooge so I decided that we would put it up. I"m glad we did. We played Christmas music and drank wine. Macy helped decorate while Nicky sat in his high chair eating Cheerios. Now... it feels like Christmas.

And the festivities continue... Tonight we have Mike's office Christmas party. It's always really fun and I'm looking forward to it. This weekend we're going to visit a Christmas Light Show in Lindale. Hopefully the next couple weeks go as fast as this one!!

pretty

"I feel pretty, Oh, so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright!" -Maria, West Side Story

Every once in awhile something really out of the ordinary nice happens: I was sitting at my desk this morning when one of the associates walked by. I have seen her but don't really know her, considering there are 200 employees here. Anyway, she came up to my desk and said, "I've been meaning to tell you - you are just as pretty as you wanna be. I don't know what it is about you, maybe just your attitude, but I think you're lovely."

She is now my new favorite person.

depression

I can see the humorous side of things and enjoy the fun when it comes; but look where I will, there seems to me always more sadness than joy in life. - Jerome K. Jerome, Humorous writer, novelist, and playwright, born in Walsall, Staffordshire, C England, UK. Brought up in London, he was successively a clerk, schoolmaster, reporter, actor, and journalist, then became joint editor of The Idler (1892) and started his own weekly, To-Day. His novel Three Men in a Boat (1889) became a humorous classic.

Sorry it's been so long in posting. The past month, as you can probably tell from my chosen quote, has been both a struggle and an inspiration.

On November 4, I finally called my EAP for a referral for counseling. Deep inside, I've known for quite awhile that something's not quite right with me. I should be happier. I should enjoy things more. I feel as if the real me is simply a small inner core and what's on the outside is doing nothing but smother and hinder. And it broke my heart to hear my husband tell me he wished I were happier. I grew tired of all of the excuses my mind made up to rationalize why I didn't feel happy: Hormones, the house is messy, I'm tired, my job isn't fulfilling, the dog irritates me, I'm introverted - bla bla bla. No! There has to be a real reason for this.

The following day I went to see Dr. French. After about 15 minutes of me spilling my guts, my current issues and briefly touching on my past, he set down his paper and pen and said it was pretty clear to him that my depression is coming from inside. There is nothing externally that should be bringing me down, my relationships are good, I'm dealing with my past in a normal, healthy way, etc. He referred me to an internist for a complete blood work up to verify there is nothing medically wrong and recommended an anti-depressant. I most likely have a chemical imbalance.

It all makes sense and it was refreshing when someone actually addressed an actual problem. I have been to counseling several times throughout my life and went through hours of psycho-therapy about my family, my relationships, etc. It always felt good to talk about it, but it never really changed anything outside of the sessions. I guess it's hard to explain how I feel. Dr. French seems to think I probably had some sort of Disthymia all of my life and explained how this, just like anything else, gets worse with age.

So, on November 11, I started taking Cymbalta and I have noticed quite a difference after only two weeks. The most noticeable is the fact that I don't feel as anxious and stressed and irritated as I used to. I'm able to relax even if the house is a mess. I don't feel like kicking the dog just because he walks in my path. Even Macy's temper tantrums don't get me nearly as upset as they used to. They still upset me, but the difference is tremendous.

So there you go. I'm not ashamed of this. I hope to continue with talk therapy just in case there are deeper issues that are causing this, and hopefully, someday, I can stop taking the medication, but for now it is a God send.

home

What is home? A roof to keep out the rain? Four walls to keep out the wind? Floors to keep out the cold? Yes, but home is more than that. It is the laugh of a baby, the song of a mother, the strength of a father, warmth of loving hearts, lights from happy eyes, kindness, loyalty, comradeship. Home is first school and first church for young ones, where they learn what is right, what is good, and what is kind, where they go for comfort when they are hurt or sick; where joy is shared and sorrow eased; where fathers and mothers are respected and loved, where children are wanted; where the simplest food is good enough for kings because it is earned; where money is not as important as loving-kindness; where even the tea kettle sings from happiness. That is home. God bless it! -Anon.

And yet, for one who has moved away, there is the transition from old home to new home. That has been my challenge the past two years.

Mike went to Michigan last Tuesday for training all week and on Thursday the kids and I returned "home" to meet a our new little nephew/cousin - Nolan. It was a quick trip, and exhausting and hectic and challenging triptravelingng alone with the kids) but it was well worth it.

The flight home was the biggest challenge due to my backfired attempt to take an earlier Tyler/Dallas standby flight and an hour delay for our Dallas/Omaha flight, we arrived in Omaha at 8:00 instead of 6:30. The kids, Goblessse em, did extremely well under the circumstances. It was mommy who was the most irritated anfrustrateded of all. Alas!

After a decent night's sleep Thursday night, we traveled to Omaha Friday afternoon to see Mike's family. On Saturday we were able to see most of my family at mom's house. A couple other friends also made the trip to mom's to see us. We left Sunday morning.

Mike returned to Texas on Friday and spent the weekend building the coolest new swingset/fort for the kids in the back yard. I envision many fall nights in the back yard and I'm really looking forward to that.

It's getting easier to come back home to Texas. I still miss my old home, but it is simply because I'm hanging on to the past so much. I need to realize my family will always be there and will always mean so much, but I have my own little family now, too. I missed Mike so much last week; we all did. It felt good to be all together again.

Mike went to Pasadena tonight but will be back tomorrow and then things should get back to normal for awhile. It will be nice to settle back in but I will always look forward to those trips "home" in the future...