religion

"We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another." - Jonathan Swift, Clergyman and satirist, born in Dublin, Ireland.

Just think about it.

persistence

"Most people give up just when they're about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game one foot from a winning touchdown." -H. Ross Perot, Business executive and public figure, born in Texarkana, Texas. In 1992 he presented himself as a populist candidate for the presidency of the USA against Bill Clinton and George Bush. Reviving an organization he had founded during the Vietnam War, ‘United We Stand’ as his own third party, he ran a controversial campaign, but obtained 19 per cent of the popular vote.

I had a good laugh yesterday when I looked back over a certain diet log I began keeping about 2 1/2 years ago. I quit and start again; quit and start again. But at each new beginning, my words reflected such excitement! There were times when my weight fell off quickly only to be put back on again once I slacked off. I read, time after time, "I'm starting again!!" and as I laughed at myself I thought... "at least I'm persistent." And yesterday, in the spirit of persistence, I made a new entry saying, "I hope to keep trying til I get it right!"

It's amazing how your body changes over time. I've never been a small person but I've lived in small moments and, unfortunately, I'm well aware of how different life is when you're thin. You are treated better. You're noticed more and it seems like people are more likely to listen. Not to mention the fact that clothes just seem to fit better and are never uncomfortable. I look at myself now and I have to admit I'm not real happy with what I see. But I get past it. I understand that the world is not made up of supermodels. Most of us aren't perfect and never will be. I've always worked so hard at it only to give up at the one yard line - just as I began to make progress. I've said it once and I still believe it whole-heartedly... I just want to be healthy. So I will keep persisting and someday, I will get it right. I may be 50 or 60 years old, but you can never really fail if you just keep trying.

children

"What guides us is children's response, their joy in learning to dance, to sing, to live together. It should be a guide to the whole world." -Yehudi Menuhin, Violinist, born in New York City. He achieved fame at the age of seven when he appeared as soloist with the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra. In 1962 he founded a school for musically gifted children near London.

It's been so wonderful watching my children grow. Despite Macy's occasional whining and tantrums, she is turning into such a fun and beautiful little girl. We went to Mike's softball game last night and I loved watching her run around with all of the bigger kids, keeping right up. And when she noticed a woman in the stands with a tiny baby Jack Russell puppy, she immediately sat right by her, became friends and by the end of the night the puppy was running around with them. I can't explain how I felt watching her. She wasn't aware anyone was watching. She was so free and having so much fun. She didn't stop smiling once.

And Nicholas brightens my heart, as well. When I picked him up from daycare yesterday, he was sitting on the floor playing but when he saw me walk in, he smiled, giggled and began waving his arms all around.

These small things make me want to keep my kids at this age forever. I sometimes get sad thinking about how they will grow up. That these little moments in time will someday be gone forever. But I also am looking forward to watching them grow. I'm anxiously curious to see how they turn out, what types of things they will enjoy and not enjoy. Who they will fall in love with and who will break their hearts. Even though they will grow up, they will always be my children. That thought makes me happy. I just hope I will be as good for them as they are for me. They amaze me with their carefree innocence and their simple wisdom. They appreciate things I take for granted. Just this morning, the simple discovery of his own little hand made Nicholas giggle. And you can make Macy's day by just picking out the right shirt (this morning it was the one with the frog on it.)

Yes, the sweet little ways of children really should be a guide to the whole world...

friendship

"When you choose your friends, don't be short-changed by choosing personality over character." -W. Somerset Maugham. Novelist, playwright, and short-story writer, born in Paris, France.

If only I would've realized this earlier. As I alluded to in my first post, I have recently been dealing with some negative feelings regarding my current friendships. There were a couple, in particular, that were really bringing me down. Having taken numerous courses in psychology, I was doing a lot of "self-therapy" in my head for a couple weeks, trying to grasp what, exactly was making me so unhappy. I realized that it was because the majority of my thoughts were on certain things that people have done to me that hurt. I was allowing these thoughts to make me feel bad about myself. My realization was simple, of course. Get over it, move on and learn!!!

The above quote is so awesome. How often have we been drawn to someone because of their personality. They may have been loud, funny, smart, good looking or had connections and we felt important to be their friend. Only to later be hurt when they failed to treat us with the respect we deserved. They lacked the character to keep a friend of good character.

I've been so happy the past week. Not the regular type of happy but a deeper level of contentment that I honestly haven't felt for awhile. I enjoyed every minute with my husband and kids. I felt confident saying no to a neighbor's invitation to a get-together because, quite frankly, I'm in a state right now where my own little family is good enough company for me. I'm through thinking I have to be doing something all the time or belong to some sort of clique to be important. I'm ready to be me. I'm ready to take the advice of Mr. Maugham and myself, finally, and just see if it works.

money

"Money, the root of all evil...but the cure for all sadness." - Mike Gill, Author of Mind Crash. A novel which out to explore the deepest recesses of the human psyche through the utilization of several, quite often brutal, language exploration techniques.

It's payday - Yay! One of the best things about working, right? But let's talk about this money thing. I, like most of us, dream of what I would do or how I would live if I ever won the lottery or came into a lot of money. I must say that a life of financial freedom sounds wonderful. I dream of traveling and looking very nice, by the way, during my travels thanks to the tens of thousands of dollars I would spend on new clothes. I'd have it all, hats, shoes, accessories, jewelry! And oh, the places I would eat! The wine I would drink! And, of course, I would like to think that I would spend some of that money on some good causes, as well. But sometimes, in my more "simple" moments, I think that having millions of dollars would be quite scary. I think it would be so easy to come to rely on material things for your happiness and lose sight of the simple graces we are given for free each day; nature, freedom, love, etc... The ingredients of genuine happiness.

But all this being said, I cannot deny the fact that a simple shopping trip to Target is just the thing, sometimes, to bring me out of a momentary state of sadness, boredom or anxiety. There were many times during my 20's when I was feeling very alone, bored or sad when a new outfit or several new books made me smile again, if only for a little while. And I can't forget the first day I dropped Macy off at Parent's Day Out last August. I had to leave her crying and I felt so terrible that I drove down the street, spent about $150 at Target and I did feel better. Is that wrong? Probably. I should learn other ways to cope sometimes, but I try to allow myself this simple pleasure once in awhile. My only problem these days is finding the time and narrowing down just what it is I want to buy.


*Author of Mind Crash. A Novel which sets out to explore the deepest recesses of the human psyche through the utilization of several, quite often brutal, language exploration techniques.

simplicity

"The trouble with so many of us is that we underestimate the power of simplicity. We have a tendency it seems to over complicate our lives and forget what's important and what's not. We tend to mistake movement for achievement. We tend to focus on activities instead of results. And as the pace of life continues to race along in the outside world, we forget that we have the power to control our lives regardless of what's going on outside." - Robert Stuberg

As I look to the future, I realize that simplifying my life probably will be a daunting task, especially when the kids begin school. But I've also looked to my past and realized it was at those times where I was trying to be and do too many things that I was at my most unhappy. Sometimes it's inevitable. I can't help that each night I have what seems like millions of things to do and I won't even mention the weekends. But sometimes all it takes is a couple small realizations to make life seem easier. Like this one - I've finally allowed myself to accept the fact that my house will probably not be as clean and tidy as I would like it to be for quite a long time. To do so would be to sacrifice my energy, my mood and precious time doing other things of more importance. Giving myself permission to let some things go has already eased my mind. As Robert Stuberg says above, we all have the power to control our lives. It seems so simple. We figure out what makes us happy and we work toward forming our lives to that mold. What trips us all up is impatience. Sometimes, although it sounds simple, it is complicated and may take some time. You cannot change your life, your current habits or your current expectations overnight. It is a gradual process. Realizing that sometimes helps.

I've been missing school and at the top of my conscious I've felt it was caused from guilt and shame for quitting. But I've come to the conclusion that I did the right thing by quitting school... But, I do honestly and truly love learning. Until this point, I've thought I have to pay someone to teach me. I've simplified this and realized I can learn whatever I want through doing things I enjoy. Reading, viewing documentaries, a course or workshop here and there on topics of my choice, not something that is required. Isn't that simple?

I have so many thoughts that have been pouring through my mind over the past few weeks. I think there were so many my mind froze up from being on overload. This new-found energy and inspiration is proof that my mind is fixing itself. Freeing itself up and letting some things out. It feels so good to be writing again. Simple as that....

inspiration

"Man's Search for meaning is the primary motivation in his life and not a 'secondary rationalization' of instinctual drives. This meaning is unique and specific in that it must and can be fulfilled by him alone; only then does it achieve a significance which will satisfy his own will to meaning... " -Victor Frankl, Psychiatrist and writer, born in Vienna, Austria. His many books include Man's Search for Meaning: An Introduction to Logotherapy (1963), and a revised and enlarged translation of From Death-Camp to Existentialism: A Psychiatrist's Path to a New Therapy published in German in 1946.

This quote goes a long way toward explaining all I'm going through these days. It seems it is taking a bit more effort than usual to be happy. Deep in my heart these reasons are clear, but bringing them to the surface, despite what many may believe, is a difficult task. Some things I've been carrying for too long, denying the source of the pain I was allowing in my life. Other things I've known clearly, but applying them to my daily life is what has been the struggle.

So I begin a new chapter. I'm hopeful and yes, relieved. I'm excited to move forward and anxious about what changes may occur. I'm sure they will be positive but I may have to deal with some negative along the way.

I realize my writings are obscure. They have to do with relationships. Not the obvious spousal relationships you first think of; but the toxic relationships I've dealt with and allowed myself to deal with. I will not bother going into detail for I know in my heart what harm has been done. Today, I look forward. It's onward toward learning more about myself, caring more about myself, and surrounding myself with the love and inspiration that I long for and deserve. I don't know what to expect from documenting this journey but my only plan is to fill these pages with the happines joy and love that is in my life. I'm a wife, a mother, and to those who will appreciate it, a friend. These things are important to me.

So with that I will make the brash statement that... I'm on my way.